Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
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I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.