[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
You Might Also Like
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair