If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
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Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey