If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
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The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
bias laundering edition
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
I love the National Park Service.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month