Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
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Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Teach your children to beatbox
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]