isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
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“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
*pronounces patio like ratio
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp