To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
He a real one for that
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.