Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
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holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I just tested negative for patience.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
My neck my back my allergy attack
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI