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“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Nice try, poison.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.