New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
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I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.