Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
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I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far