so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
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you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Sorry. Not sorry
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
my sentiments exactly
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell