Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
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*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT