What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
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[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.