There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
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I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.