Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
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*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Sorry. Not sorry
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
🤣😂
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.