I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
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No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.