Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
You Might Also Like
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
three things we don’t talk about
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”