twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
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probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!