Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
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i will avenge u mr van gogh
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Breaking news:
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs