So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
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Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems