People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
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me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Saturday
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Plant care tips
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next