Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
You Might Also Like
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
58.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula