Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
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Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?