My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
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Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I don’t think my car can fly
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.