Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
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Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”