Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
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“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.