Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
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If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you