[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
You Might Also Like
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.