Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Siri: Retweet me.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle