Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
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“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Best spot.. 😅
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
The real reason evolution started..😂