I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
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Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.