CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
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HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.