If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
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I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
This made me smile…
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.