Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
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I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.