why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
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Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.