People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
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|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.