If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
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How software testing works
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.