reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
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When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Just parrot things
Planet of the Apps.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”