Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
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Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard