Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
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They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.