I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
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There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar