“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
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Halloween cuteness.. 馃巸
馃帴 IG: mr.smokey21
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we鈥檇 really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
What鈥檚 with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.馃憤馃構馃槂
plums roundup
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don鈥檛 know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
When you need a dentist who鈥檚 also a snake handler. That.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn鈥檛 take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn鈥檛 want any fries but here we are.