The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
You Might Also Like
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]