Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
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Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
When you’re Kinky but poor
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me: