Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
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My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I’m about to risk it all
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size