Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
You Might Also Like
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”