5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
You Might Also Like
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.