Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
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I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf