Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
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My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*